Well, the first thing that pops out to me in that question is the word SHOULD.

And I really think that the word SHOULD is one of the most harmful words in the English language. If you think about the word SHOULD, I’m sure you can begin to recall all sorts of memories of people who have either withheld support or love from you at times when you needed it because you SHOULD have been a certain way or SHOULD have done something a certain way. 

And I’m sure your mind can also probably conjure up worries about the future about what your life is going to become if you don’t change the way that you are now because you SHOULD be different or you SHOULD do differently than you are currently doing.

But it’s not just the English language. The word SHOULD in Spanish deber also means “ought to,” “must,” “homework,” “obligation,” “to owe.” So you can see that in at least two languages, and I don’t know any other languages, there are all sorts of ways in which this word kind of wraps its tentacles around us and makes our lives feel like we are BAD PEOPLE.  

I would just propose that maybe we rephrase the question from “How do I know if I should be in therapy?” to “How do I know if therapy could be useful to me?”

First, I would invite you to consider what’s most important to you. So think about the people and the activities that matter most to you. Maybe think about friends, family, romantic partners, coworkers, oh - and the longest, perhaps most important relationship of all: that which you have with yourself. 

And what are the activities that are most important to you? Things like work, education, recreation, self-care activities like exercise and diet and so forth.

Second, I would invite you to think about what sort of qualities you would like to embody when you are with these people or doing these activities? Here’s an example of certain qualities that you COULD embody:
How about discipline? Bravery? Achievement? Creativity? Assertiveness? Energy? Spontaneity? Or Mastery? Oh - did your mind just do that thing with the SHOULD word again? 

Just listen to what I actually said: “qualities that you COULD embody.” So here are some other qualities that you COULD choose if you would like to have them in your life: things like Adaptability, Accuracy, Dependability, Equality, Amusement, Gratitude… How do you want to BE when you’re with the people that are most important to you and doing the things that matter to you? And how to do you want to be remembered as a person?

Third, honestly evaluate whether or not you are living up to the hopes that you have for yourself in embodying these characteristics, these qualities in the relationships and activities in your life that matter to you. Is there a discrepancy between the qualities you’d like to embody and what you’re actually doing with your arms, legs, hands, mouth, feet in the world? Being the person that you are in your daily life. Or when you’re under pressure?

If your behavior is perfectly matched to the ideals that you have about what kind of person you’d like to be, then congratulations, I see no need for you to be in therapy, but if you’re like a lot of people who do see a mismatch between how they would like to be in the world and how they’re actually showing up in the world, then I really think that counseling could be helpful for you.

Counselors work to help people meet their goals in not just mental health but wellness and education and career, and a big part of the work we do is helping people show up differently in their relationships - their romantic relationships, family relationships, with friends, with coworkers, and oh yeah the one that’s the longest relationship of our lives: the relationship we have with ourselves.

If you do what  you’ve always done, then you’re going to get what you’ve always gotten. In other words, if your life isn’t what you’d like it to be, then try changing what you’re doing. And I’d really recommend counseling. 

If for whatever reason you try counseling once and it just doesn’t work for you, then it’s probably a fit issue with the therapist. There are so many amazing therapists out there. You have counselors, marriage and family therapists, social workers, psychologists, psychiatrists that do therapy as well, and sometimes you try it and it’s just not a good fit with that particular therapist. But don’t let that get in the way of you having the opportunity to do some amazing work on yourself.